26 Feb 2002

BC: hey, chill out.  don't be so hard on yourself,
u're totally forgiven.
i've been more than busy myself and we probably
wouldn't have gotten a
whole lot of time to chill anyway.  it was
probably for the better.  ya
know, stuff happens, relax.  i'm sorry to hear
about your last minute
stresses that totally blows goats in tibet; but
u'll live.  i'm trying
to return as many emails as i can tonight,
hopefully all of them.
i think this makes like the 17th one i've
returned.  frickin' nuts.
well, i hope all is good w/ u or getting better.
lemme know how things
go.  talk to u later

Brent

SB:
"Dr. Claw" wrote:

> I guess all I can say at this point is sorry in
advance.  I've dug
> myself this -hole of stress & didn't
plan a way to get out of
> it.  I thought I could handle going back
tomorrow night, arriving in
> Arcata @ 6 & then going to class @ 8 but I just
don't think it's
> possible.  I'm sorry for calling this afternoon
& wanting to hang out
> given that I've decided to go back up north
tomorrow afternoon.  I'm
> going through a lot of stuff right
now.  I came down on a
> whim.  I thought I could schedule
myself w/people on short
> notice & that it'd work. I'm sorry I didn't
give you enough notice as
> to when I was coming down so that we could set
something up.  I know
> I'm a meanie for flaking on you.  Staying
w/parental units isn't
> always easy.
Oy, stuff's messed up right
> now & all I can ask is that you try &
understand where I'm coming
> from. Anyhow... That's all I had to say...
>
> --S

Padre Nuestro

Padre nuestro,
que estás en el cielo.
Santificado sea tu nombre.
Venga tu reino.
Hágase tu voluntad en la tierra como en el cielo.
Danos hoy nuestro pan de cada día.
Perdona nuestras ofensas,
como también nosotros perdonamos a los que nos ofenden.
No nos dejes caer en tentación y líbranos del mal.
Amén.

קדיש

Explanation

Below are letters from Brent Collins to Sarah Briskin via E-mail circa '90s-early 2000s before his incarceration. See the entry about sitting shiva and you'll understand why I had to post these.

I feel it necessary to publish, on some level, the work of a deceased.


Brent, I will always say the Kaddish for you.

Sarah

Sarah to BC & BC to sarah 7/15/01

sarah-

          u gotta hear my new out-going message
on my v/m.  it's
cool.  anyhow, that sux that u come out of class
feeling all depressed.
yeah, it sucks that i didn't get into Berklee,
but hey, at least i
tried.  i got a demo to Matt (Bryan's drummer)
and to George (their
manager) and so i'm just gonna continue to write,
play and teach
(swimming).  i'm getting a 7-string soon too.
the guys at Gelb are
cutting me a phatty deal on this thing.  their
knocking $100- off the
tag as well as they put it on lay away before i
even went down to put a
deposit on it.  it's totally cool.  so yeah,
that's what's going on.  u
missed a rippin' party.  maybe next time.  talk
to u later.

dig,
Brent

"Dr. Claw" wrote:

> Brentworth~how's it going?  Sorry to hear about
> Berklee :-(  I'm doing okay.  Stuff's getting
> better up here.  My roommate is on vacation in
> Thailand for a month & I'm SLOWLY getting used
to
> not having her around.  Summer school started
> last week & to be honest, I leave that class
> feeling really depressed cuz we learn about how
> fouled up this country really is...  It's a
> Sociology course (race & ethnic relations).  So
> here's a bit of off the wall stuff to amuse you
> with: I'm listening to leann rimes only cuz I
got
> so used to hearing it coming out of Joanna's
> (chick I used to live in dorms w/) room...
> Later Gator,
> Sarah
>
> =====

BCC 3*10*1999

here, i want u to read this.  i wrote it back on
Nov.  a nice little
piece about about, well, read it.  u'll get the
picture:

Lost

I found out the cruelty of man
Heard the cry of mankind
When you abandoned me, I saw it
I know I wasn't your fault

It's hard to watch you now
The pain you put yourself through
The torture, suffering
You're hopeless now

If you could open up,
Let us see
See your poisoned soul
In agony.

What is it that you want? what is it that you
need?
You never told me.  Helpless, I watch you bleed

I cannot hear your cry
Cannot see your try
Call what you will
Your soul will never be still

I loved you
cared about you
You threw it away
Look at me now, as only the scars remain

I will live again
Be as one again
My world is dark to you
Until you kill me too

The bitterness
the bereavement
Broken bits of glass
the shards litter my pool of blood



"Love's golden arrow
at her should have fled
And not Death's ebon dart
should strike her Dead"

The pain visits often
Burning memories torture my brain
bury me in sorrow
Leave, forget me

Place upon my head
The Crown of Sympathy
Wash me in your river of sorrow
and play in fields of pain

You cannot end what has begun
The fight for yourself will never end
A war for within
and the battle from without

I wish not for what has become of you
What a shame, such a sad, sad site
To watch your demise
As your world sinks out of view

I, suppose I lied to myself
spoke of the those things untrue
I can't bare to watch you die like this
I have watched the snow all day.
Falling.  It never lets up.  All day falling.
I lifted my head and cried aloud,: "...why this
life?"

You trampled us down
In your river of death
We watched you fall,
From your kingdom of pain

Your misery in majesty
The anguish unholy
You'll suffer for your crime
the death of mankind


You fell to your death
that you brought upon yourself
In sorrow and pity, I cried for you
Held by grief, I'm killing me

My tears fall, for the tragedy
for grace unhearing, for sorrow
though they fall not for you, not what is, but
For what should have been

Your endless journey
That never begun
Ever the downward spiral
eternal descent, pain like no other

Your desertion left me
Swimming in fields of blood
Though you care not to rescue me
in your pain I will reside

You grab at nothing
the nothing that you left
your pain, should go on forever
the pain of eternal suffering

Should my life become you
Let it be so that you suffer
torment of our souls
in misery we will die
   b.c.c.  11/98

10/2/1998

which part of your page did i find 'dark' you
ask?  oh, the poems, the
pictures, the mentally disturbing thoughts, etc..
sounds like u got a
busy life.  try this on for size: school, two (2)
soon to be three (3)
jobs making roughly $24.50 hourly combined, so
i'm doing pretty good $$$
wise.  as well as juggling in working on a solo
project to keep myself
sane while wait for my bassist to get all the
drum trax down for the
demo AND then, then AFTER the demo is done do we
start rehreasals.  so
i'm busy too.  i'm not trying to compete w/ u as
to who has the busiest
life but that's post H.S. for u.
   i gave up on the scen of having a gf some #
of mos. ago and haven't
really gone back, basically due to (for lack of a
better term) lack of
eligible people.  plus i doesn't help that i
haven't been looking that
much either.  i've got my music, i've got work
and school, i don't need
anything else right now.  tho granted that having
a gf would b nice i
just don't need one.
   i'm also still coping w/ the loss of a
"loved one" too.  i found
out that my ex-gf (after she abandoned me) was
drugged and raped at a
party in july and IS KEEPING THE BABY.  i still
care about her, but
there's nothing i can do or say that will make
her change her mind.
well, i'm running out things to say so write me
back 'k?  later

dig,
Brent

ps: Had I not know
  that I was dead
  already
  I would have mourned
  my loss of life  

From sarahnaomi@yahoo.com Thu Oct  1 14:21:27
1998
Message-ID:
<19981001212108.19604.rocketmail@send1d.yahoomail.com>
Received: from [209.31.12.93] by send1d; Thu, 01
Oct 1998 14:21:08 PDT
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 14:21:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sarah <sarahnaomi@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: are you okay?
To: Nammtar Enki <engle_des_todes@hotmail.com>
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii

Hey man... I'm doing better.  I think I'm just
having a hard time with well, LIFE in general... Which part of
my page did you find
"dark?"
Did I tell you about my car? I leased a Chevy Prizm
(what used to be a Geo model)... I was really
stupid last tuesday...
I saw my boyfriend that night & he basically told
me everything I ever
wanted to hear from a guy & inside I really
didn't care that much.
Then I drove down the hill to buy cigarettes,
something I told him
that I wouldn't do as long as he didn't
drink... SO he's been
good on his promise not to drink while I ended up
telling him last
night on the phone that I got cigs....  i really
feel a whole bunch of
stuff right now and if this is hitting bottom,
then i guess I'm almost
there...

I don't really understand what's going on with
me, except that I'm
having a really hard time balancing work & school
& having a
boyfriend.  My soph. year in High school I was
dating a guy in college
who is still basically a workaholic.  What I
learned from him is that
I can't let my boyfriend have a small part of my
life, i.e. be at the
end of a list of priorities in my life.
I've just been moving really fast as far as life
goes, I mean, a
technician @ work is transferring, another
cashier's out on
disability, and i feel so guilty when there's
"holes" in the
schedule... So I just have been making the
mistake lately of
volunteering for extra hours so instead of 24
I'll be working a couple
extra shifts this month.


I really don't want to loose it but I think I am.
Thanks for caring, Sarah
==
http://www.angelfire.com/ca/JuivepourJesus/

From Brent to Sarah, 10/1/1998

hey there-
   are you feeling alright?  i checked out your
page, and it's well,
for lack of a better term, dark.  i don't think
i've ever written a song
that's that dark.   u seem more confused than
i've ever seen anybody.  i
don't know if u should really send u this song,
but the lyrics fit (to
an extent, the way i see it, your emotional
state)

A Tout Le Monde

Don't remember where i was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously i took things
The harder the rules became

I had no idea what i cost
My life flashed before my eyes
I found out how little i acomplished
All my plans denied

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile when youu think of me
My body's gone that's all

A Tout Le Monde, A tout mes amis
Je vous aime, je dois partir
These are the last word i'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say

Moving on is a simple thing
And what it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living are scarred

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile when youu think of me
My body's gone that's all

A Tout Le Monde, A tout mes amis
Je vous aime, je dois partir
These are the last word i'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

A Tout Le Monde, A tout mes amis
Je vous aime, je dois partir
These are the last word i'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

   or as sung by Megadeth on the album
Youthanasia.  i can vouche as
to where u're coming from.  i've been there.
write me back, 'k?

Brent

______________________________

THINGS THAT ROT MY BRAIN

(otherwise known as things that piss me off...)

9-22-99 while living in San Bruno

Junior colleges that claim to care about your transferring out but secretly wish to keep you there until you're 25.

---

Living in the suburbs

SUVs i.e. Ford Explorers, Lincoln Navigators, Ford Expeditions, Ford Excursion

Daytime television (mainly Days of Our Lives)

Spending too much time on The Internet

MTV & even flipping through channels to find those boy bands ('n sync, backdoor boys, 98⁰)

TRABAJO

I finally have a job... wow. I'm going to be an office assistant for an auto insurance company. I'm almost in shock. Anyone can comment, not just bloggers

New pictures up at flickr.com/photos/sarahnaomi

"Pulling Away"
Those eyes that rival a tigers...
Nearly haunting me, I can't get the image of them out of my head.

I feel the tug on my red work shirt.
 As I turn, I realize who it is and crouch down to her height.
 With a sniff, she asks "Am I going to be okay?"

"What did we talk about last time?"

She and I have had this conversation dozens of times, it seems. 

"Not to look at the clock."
I start seeing into her skull. 
She's getting choked up and it's killing me inside.

"Yes, Momma'll come to pick you up when she said she's going to."

She gives me a half smile and throws her arms around my neck.

I know the feeling of holding the tears back for dear life--
I experience it when I try not to cry around others.
 I know the deep-in-your-gut pain
that goes along with repeating over and over to yourself,
"I'm not going to cry; I can keep it together.  I can do this."




God, will you take care of me like that?
Will you bend down to my level, wipe away my tears and tell me I'll be okay?
To you I am the child, and you're the counselor...

from Spring 2003

v.4

"Ululation"

Babble

I am frickin sick of the babble

Grr

Work work work study study study

(Sigh)

Gotta get a job to pay the man

And damn

I just wanna live in a tree

And damn

I'm going nuts

And damn

This babble of how I oughta teach just stinks

Just press

And shrink wrap me into your perfect mold of an educator

Just get it over with

(Sigh)

Why this propaganda?

Don't you know your claims to grace are drek?

There must be some kind of way outta here/said the joker to the thief (Thank you Bob Dylan)

I'm sick of this anal-yzing

This criticizing

This Americanizing

Cuz you really oughtta

SCRUTINIZE

The status quo

(Sigh)

Gotta rectify young minds

Solidify a battle plan and

Crucify the standards

Cuz I dare you to

Look into my eyes

And tell me I can't make change,

Because I can.

Pacify

Because you gotta get your anger out

Get it all out before contempt holds high court in your skull

Pacify

Before you go nuts

Babble on, Professor...

and I hope you're feeling better

4/24/03; v. 4

Dualities

Hermitude hollered through gusts of wind.

That raging,

Destructive force commanded total exit to there,
The place to hide in a padded shoebox

And sit for hours in denial.

Words rattled around in her head as a blender crushes ice,

Screaming that our leader and his henchmen don'tcare about free speech����

This present state of the so-called union disgusts her.

Thoughts of Junior's war beat inside a migrained skull,

Where mental photos of those dying on the sand at U.S. hands lie.

Hard to ignore

All desires pointed toward passports and bus tickets to Mexico.

Running away seemed to solve everything.

Flip the black vinyl circle wherein Bob Dylan croons

Where do his wise lyrics take you?

She stands on the SE corner behind our Redwood Curtain,

Shrouded in black

Helping herself and doing what she needs to get by.

She's closed her ears to the cynics' rants,

For she'll stamp out her mindset of negativity in attempts to just
BE

Bereavement_in_Judaism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bereavement_in_Judaism

A good friend of mine died 1/3/06. I didn't find out about it 'til end of May. Long story short? Didn't "sit shiva" of sorts until 6/15 when I got the "crud" and was forced to.

Backing up, on Good Friday, another person died, completely unrelated to Brent Collins. I left a necklace w/the hebrew word for "life" (Chai) in a pair of pants. Charles washed it & one of the "legs" broke off of a letter.

All these things swirl around my head. I miss the friend who used to drive me around The Peninsula on 101, listening to Slayer & Metallica... I miss his Civic. I miss hitting Guitar Center and all those other places just to see guitars. Sheesh, my first model (slide scans, etc. to follow on flickr.com/photos/sarahnaomi

Brent somehow had his first and last seizure and just popped.

***Seizures are crazy things. G-d only gives us one head...***

A better "memorial" for Brent Collins to follow.
goodnight,
Sarah

6/18/06

Der mensch trakht un Gott lahkt

Baruch HaShem for gezunde tzores...

Der Goyisher Kop...

No more taking care of A.K.s

HaShem...I'm sorry for der makhen a gevalt

grammar isn't fun if you don't know what you're doing...

Baruch der mamaloshen

I need a minyan...

Bless this Redneck shtetl


Sagrado corazon de Y'shua, que dijiste pide y recibiras...